Here’s 10 ways Santa’s life would improve if he went Code Red:
1) With a less weight to haul around in the sleigh because he’s down 100 pounds, Santa could retire a couple of reindeer and save on labor costs.
2) Santa’s roaring Type II diabetes would finally come under control, saving him a fortune on insulin shots, blood sugar testing supplies, and pricey medication.
3) Mrs. Claus could go from cooking 3 meals and 2 snacks a day to just two meals a day, leaving her free to take a hot bath, sleep in, and catch up on her soaps. BONUS: The Claus’ grocery bill would drop to 1/4 of what it currently is.
4) Santa could finish delivering gifts in a fraction of the time, since he wouldn’t be pausing at everyone’s house to eat 50 pounds of cookies. (Actually, he wouldn’t pause to eat anything, because it’d always be after 6:30.)
5) The red on Santa’s cheeks and nose, which everyone assumes is from the cold but is actually rosacea, would finally clear up.
6) Because he’s so much leaner, Santa would drop straight down those chimneys, instead of having to push and struggle his way down. This would shave a good 30 minutes off each visit (and reduce his clothing bill, since his suit wouldn’t get as stained or ripped up from touching the insides of the chimney).
7) Santa would no longer drive Rudolph and the other reindeer crazy bouncing up and down in the sled like a squirming baby, due to the sugar rush he gets from eating all those cookies.
8) Santa wouldn’t pass out in his yearly diabetic coma on the way back to the North Pole early Christmas morning, an incident that always results in an expensive and stressful side trip to the emergency room.
9) The diabetic neuropathy in Santa’s feet would ease up, so when he needed a new pair of boots, he could pick them up at North40 instead of having to special order expensive diabetic versions.
10) With all this time Santa would save on Christmas Eve, he’d FINALLY get back to the North Pole in time for his date night with Mrs. Claus.
Clearly, getting on the next 10 Pound Takedown would benefit Santa in all kinds of ways.
Let’s hope he decides 2020 is the year he quits screwing around with bullcrap excuses, and makes himself and his health a priority, so he can finally feel as jolly as he acts.
Real food, water, and sleep are so simple, even a guy as busy as Santa can make them work!